Christmas at Tunt Mansion
by snake screamer
Summary: Yes I know this is way past Christmas time, but bare with me as you see how the gang handle Christmas at the Tunt ancestral home.


"Christmas in the gilded cage... I honestly expect one of us to die today." Archer said as everyone somewhat dragged their feet to the living room.

"Oh shut up! maybe Cheryl did a good job for once!" Mallory grumbled

"Speaking of, why did we let her throw a Christmas party?" Lana questioned

"It's something her stupid great grandfather made, any Tunt who hasn't thrown a Christmas party every ten years with family or otherwise, other Tunt's will come and take everything the party pooper owns."

"And that includes her half of her dead parent fortune." Ray said "But that doesn't explain WHY we can't just lie! Her family, for the most part, insane."

"Your forgetting about her brother, and his bitch of a girlfriend, she demanding prove we celebrate said party."

"Oh so that why you ask me to wire camera into the main room!" Krieger said.

"Yes, and I want you to fake being happy! Cause we're not only losing money, but we'll also lose the mansion, and we all be on the streets!" Mallory snapped "So all of you better remember to smile!" Everyone forced a grin on their face as they enter the main room and frown almost immediately.

"So..." Cherlene said, dress in what best could be best describe as a mixture of country western/naughty Santa outfit.

"Very... normal," Cyril muttered at the site of the bare room.

"More like letdown! What the hell woman! There barely anything Christmas in this party!"

"That not true, there eggnog on the table (Pointing to a punch bowl full of eggnog) and a bunch of balloons!" (Points to the ceiling.)

"Of for the love of- even Cyril could throw a more impressive Christmas party," Mallory said

"Meh, at least it's safer than most of our past Christmas party. Unless... you didn't booby trap the eggnog. Like last year Christmas party did you?" Ray questioned

(Flashback)

 _"AHH!" Archer, Ray, Pam and Lana screamed as they try to get leeches off their bodies."_

 _"Why... would you give her parasites that can jump and survive in eggnog, furthermore, WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THAT!" Mallory snapped_

 _"I think I was REALLY high." Krieger shrugged, Mallory then punched him_

 _"Worse answer I have ever heard. And I have to listen to Sterling excuses on a daily basis."_

(Flashback end)

"No... Krieger said he was out of blood-sucking creatures." Cherlene pouted.

"Hooray for small miracles," Archer said sarcastically.

"Well maybe we can still salvage this, Cherlene how about you borrow my son butler and-" Mallory was interrupted as a loud crash noise was made.

"AHH!" Almost everyone shouted as a pine tree shot through the window

"KRIEGER!" Mallory screamed "IF YOU CREATED HEAT SEEKING MISSILE TREE'S I SWEAR TO GOD-

"ITS NOT ME, I SWEAR!" Krieger cried

"That was me; I hired someone to fire a Christmas tree out of a cannon to my house!" Cheryl said excitedly

"Why the hell would you do that?" Mallory questioned

"For the shock factor," Cherlene said

"Almost expected her to say it was a Tunt family tradition," Lana muttered

"No, I don't think so... GASP! Does that mean I started the first Tunt Christmas tree canon shot tradition!" Cherlene said excitedly. "Also if you thought that was exciting, wait till you see the main barrage."

"I'm sorry, did you just say... barrage?" Archer questioned they then turn to see a bunch of shadows heading right at the window "Goddamnit."

"INCOMING!" Lana screamed as every scrambled away to avoid the Christmas ornament barrage.

(Later)

"Uggh... almost all the cast groaned as they try to pick themselves up.

"Aww, how am I not hurt, I knew I should have bought more Christmas ornaments." Cheryl pouted

"BITCH I SHOULD SUE YOU!" Lana growled (The second person not hurt.)

"Fine, then I just rat you out to the FBI!" Cheryl snapped "Or did you forget our new ent- GLIK!" Lana grabbed her throat.

"Stop. Before you say anything stupid." Lana said, eyeing the room for Krieger hidden cameras.

"Whatever you say hot stuff." Cheryl gasped with a lustful look.

"I hate living here so much." Archer groaned

"I hate Cherlene definition of shock factor," Ray growled

"Man Cyril, you made a crummy human shield." Krieger groaned

"Oh I'm sorry, maybe you should have grasped the masochist who cause this situation in the first place!" Cyril snapped

"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!" Mallory snap. "Both you lot and I have taken worse hits in our career, just be thankful the glass slowed their acceleration somewhat."

"Yeah cause being thankful a derange loony hurting you could have gone worse." Archer roll his eyes. "Right Pam... Pam?" He turned to see Pam drinking the eggnog. "Well don't drink it-" Archer stopped as Pam glared at him with a crazy look in her eyes "And expect to share, enjoy your eggnog." Archer said slightly scared

"I thought you said you didn't mess with the eggnog?" Ray questioned

"You said booby trapped. You never said anything about spiking!" Cherlene grinned

"If you any of the-" Mallory glanced around "Products, I will be very annoyed."

"Oh relax I didn't use any of that stuff... I used Bath Salt."

"WHAT!?" Mallory yelled

"I SAID I USED BATH SALT!" Cherlene stated. "Geeze, invest in a hearing aid."

"Please tell me you mean the bathing product and not the drug of the same name." Cyril said

"I used the latter," Cherlene admitted

"Goddamnit." Cyril sighed

"When did you start using bath salts!" Mallory snapped

"Technically never," Cherlene said. "But they were an early Christmas gift from my uncle... what was his name, I'm positive its starts with a J. Anyway since it's a party I decided to put it in the Eggnog."

"Why would you put it in the eggnog in the first place!" Lana snapped

"I wanted to see if that rumor about its effect were true or not." Cherlene

"You mean the one where someone goes on a cannibalistic rampage," Archer questioned, eying Pam who seemed to be getting feral a bit.

"Yeah but no one was able to prove that, so I figure since you guys are technically my guest, I could use you to see if it was real."

"Starting to see how you and Krieger dated." Ray sighed

"Hey leave me out of this," Krieger said

"Right, that it, this party is officially over." Archer said heading to the exit, "Krieger did you install that steel door to trap Pam in case she tries to eat more of the product."

"Yep... Why do you ask?" Krieger questioned.

"He asked so Pam doesn't leave and tries to eat us due to becoming a cannibal!" Ray snapped

"And possibly sweat Pam off of bath salt just in case," Lana added

"Oh! that make sense." Krieger said as almost everyone started heading to the exit, except for Mallory. "No! we can't leave till we make them see its a good christmas! Now stop-" She was interrupted as Cherlene hit her over the head with her guitar knocking her out cold. "I LOVE CHRISTMAS WOO!"

* * *

"Wait! they liked it!" Archer said shocked "I'm not saying it was as bad as our office Christmas party, but that party was still bad!"

"According to Cherlene, since no one neither died nor were they dismember, there counting this as a proper Christmas party. Apparently, the Tunt have a low standard on what they count as a good Christmas." Lana said

"Yeah I can see that," Pam said behind a steel door. "Btw, when are you guys going to let me out?"

"As soon as Mother realizes that beating Cherlene shitless for what she did, is exactly what she wanted." Archer stated

"So... another 24 hours?" Pam asked

"Prett much."


End file.
